s’Benny racked up a coupl’a lines’a big thick’uns of street hoovered ‘em up...1...2...thee...to give him bravery he said then he wen’ an’ dug Pen Pen nat knowin’ wha’ end’s wha’ big Judas punch Benny hit him too from behind cos wha’d happened was Benny just called on him matter-of-fact like knockknockkonck an’ his granny answers Pen’s granny an’ Benny asks is Pen in Mrs Warnock? an’ Pen comes down his xbox headphones still round his neck an’ all an’ he sees is that it’s his “mate” Benny an’ he says c’mon in chum an’ he turns roun’ an’ walks back up the hall to go back up the stairs an’ that’s when Benny the shitey cunt hit him from behind a dig right smackdab in the back of the head brained him he’s pro’ly a proper fuckin’ head spastic now an’ he’s already a mad acidhead have you heard that about him about Pen? aye so fuck knows wha’ a big Judas punch to the back of the skull’s gonna do when you’ve half your head fried already from taking acid from you’ve been 9 apparently but anyway here so the reason in the first place Benny wen’ an’ dug Pen? cos at a party that Saturday night the Saturday before the Wednesday Benny did that on Pen there was a party in Benny’s house an’ Benny had got a load of Es a’mean thousan’s of ‘em an’ he was gonna sell ‘em most of ‘em an’ have a big party with some of the rest he’d set aside an’ so them he’d set aside he puts out in big bowls you should’ve seen it I was round mysel’ for a bit big bowls like big bowls of jellybeans or somethin’ I took one it was bangin’ too weeker so it was but anyway the day after the day after everybody’s away home Benny goes an’ checks on his stash for his peace of mind to make sure it’s safe in his secret hiding place he’s got in his gaff that only him an’ Pen his best mucker knows about but here the Es are nowhere to be seen somebody’s stroked ‘em but who’s the only person knows where I’ve put them thinks Benny to hisself but only Pen that’s who so that’s why he wen’ to smack him you know Benny shoot first ask questions later kinda cunt he is y’know but anyway wha’s it achieved but sweet fuck all sure cos soon as Pen hits the deck after Benny’s dug him and Benny hops over him an’ goes up to his room and fuckin’ wracks the place tears it to fuck lookin’ his pills cos he’s paid an absolute fortune for ‘em I’m sure or more likely pro’ly has a down payment from off some big dirty auld player who’s waitin’ on gettin’ his dough back from wha’ he’s (Benny’s) made floggin’ ‘em but I’m away off on a tangent here cos he finds naffin Benny in Pen’s room an’ so he goes back to his own gaff where he find his ma stan’in’ at the top of the stairs holding up the big missin’ mystery vac pack of Es sayin’ is it these you’re looking for son? turns out Benny didn’t realise his ma knew every nook an’ cranny in her gaff just as well as her boy did an’ knew all about his wee hidey-hole for donkeys little did Benny know an’ found his stash when she was cleanin’ up after the party an’ then kept ‘em under her bed for days wonderin’ whether or nat to call the peelers about ‘em or nat or sell ‘em hersel’ or wha’?
Benny daft cunt hittin’ Pen for naffin’ it turned out cos his auld mummy had his Es the whole time.
Richard Barr's had some short stories published in the last few years including in Sonder Magazine, The Honest Ulsterman, Misery Tourism, and Apocalypse Confidential. In 2023 he was nominated for a Pushcart Prize with his NFFD award winning story "Coins".